At last the true hero of the Sex Pistols can be revealed: a man who has devoted 26 years to shagging and heroic
underachievement - stand up, Steve 'Fatty' Jones.
Nevermind Johnny Rotten's vitriol against the Queen's fascist regime or Sid Vicious and his dum-dum by nihilism. Forget
'Anarchy In The UK'. It was always clear what Steve Jones stood for - shagging, and plenty of it.
"Socially, I've been shagging as many birds as possible," he
announced in a 1978 invterview. He listed his interests as
"Birds, any birds." There was a glorious moment when the
conversation turned to Pauline, the deranged woman whom
the Pistols wrote 'Bodies' about. Now on any scale, pulling a
bird who carries an aborted foetus in her bag is hardly a
result. Unless you were Steve Jones that is. "Met her, I've
shagged her an' all, round the back of the Marquee it was!"
he proudly declared.
Jonesy's record was shagging five birds in one evening. His
first two conquests were at the Nashville Club: "Not at the
same time mind you but I took them out to the car in this alley
I know. Then I went down to the Speakeasy and got another
two, right? The same treatment, they didn't mind. Then I went
down to the Embassy Club, a right posh place in Bond
Street. I pulled one there. I didn't bother taking her to the car
cos she was too nice. So I took her home." What a true
Steve seemed to suffer from an an excess of testosterone.
After all, this was a man who once masturbated over a hot
dog and then gave it to the despised Glen Matlock. His
Pistols career featured other heroic moments: wearing that
knotted handkerchief on his head for the 'Pretty Vacant'
video; calling Bill Grundy a "dirty fucker" and a "fucking
rotter"; and the moment at the Randy's Rodeo 'Battle Of The
Alamo" gig in the States when, confronted by Texas rednecks
throwing cans and bottles, Jonesy simply headed the
offending missiles away like a burly centre half.
When the Pistols split, Jones and drummer Paul Cook
confessed everything to the music press: "We're just a couple of working class
tossers. We was only in it for the birds, the booze and the piss-ups." And no one
made a better working class tosser than Steve Jones.
He had spent much of his youth banged up in approved schools for nicking
cars. His only job was three weeks as a window cleaner: "You used to get
birds asking you in for a cup of tea like and you end up in bed with
them." Most of the Pistols' equipment was stolen, claimed the
light-fingered guitarist. "Steve had a lot of street suss, but not being
able to read or write did make things a little difficult," explained Rotten.
But by the simple means of "giving it some bollocks" Steve Jones,
illiterate tea leaf, emerged as the greatest power chord merchant in pop
history. After the Pistols he should have become a guitar legend. Instead
he turned underachievement into an art form.
Post-Rotten there was the cash-in single 'No One Is Innocent', filmed on a
Brazilian beach with Ronnie Biggs. It was a true meeting of minds - Jones
and Biggs instantly bonded with their tales of burglary and birds. "Steve
Jones, Paul Cook and Ronnie Biggs, we're the next big thing," announced
Jones. They weren't.
The rather good 'Silly Thing' followed, along with Jonesy's heartfelt
vocal contribution to 'Friggin' In The Rigging', a song about shagging
that began with "It was on the good ship Venus...". But Sid died and the
remaining Pistols folded. Cook and Jones teamed up with a hippy called
Andy and recorded an album with The Professionals. Good name. Shame the
Jones then moved to LA where he proceeded to make Billy Idol look like a
chaste workaholic. The perpetual encore guitarist, Jones never actually
formed a successful band in 25 years. There were brushes with drug and
alcohol addictions, an ignored solo album, some guitar work on Iggy Pop's
Blah Blah Blah album... and that's it. His latest dodgy outfit is The
Neurotic Outsiders with John Taylor and Duff McKagan of Guns N' Roses.
Then after 18 years of heroic loafing came the news of the Pistols
reforming. Had failure changed Steve Jones? In the reformed Pistols first
interview, Jonesy found a feature on streakers in a magazine. "Look at
them big tits!" he enthused.
The 1996 Finsbury Park gig gloriously reaffirmed his commitment to
shagging and rock'n'roll indulgence. There was Jonesy, fat and 40,
unwisely squeezed into strides, arms around Stuart Pearce and Gareth
Southgate. His one comment to the audience of ageing punks was, "Who wants
a shag?" Could the boy still give it some bollocks on guitar? Of course he
could. Creation Records boss Alan McGee took out a full page advert to
announce that the Pistols were better than his Oasis charges.
And amid all the punk retrospective nonsense, it took Jonesy to never mind
the bollocks. Standing by his LA swimming-pool, fag in hand and stripped
to the waist to expose his tattoos, the flabby old fornicator announced on
BBC2's Dancing In The Street: "I was brought up in Shepherd's Bush. I hardly went to
school. I didn't know who the Prime Minister was. I just wanted to play and get hold of
Steve Jones, we salute you: the working class tosser, the greatest living English shagger.
Since this hilarious piece appeared in a mid 90s 'Lad Mag'. Steve Jones has made a few more Pistols world tours and become a legendary DJ in LA where
his show Jonesy's Jukebox gained him a very successful career on the airwaves. His weight has piled on but still manages to strap on his guitar and ride
his bike. His sexual exploits might be curtailed to Sunset strip hookers these days but theres still life in the old dog yet.
GIVE IT SOME BOLLOCKS!!!